The Bioshock Tragedy

[Sarah's Knight]

.... I swore to myself I would never do it - not for any reason, be it to make the game slightly easier by getting slightly more ADAM or even just to see what it looks like or how the "bad" ending goes. On my honor as a Protector, I swore I would never do it!

.... But then, unbeknown to Sarah's Knight, on one rainy, thunder-stormy, every-other-adjective-used-to-allude-to-darkness-and-evil-ly night, just before the release of Bioshock 2, the wicked staff of 2K Marin gathered to have a secret, clandestine meeting in some dark basement of an abandoned church, and here is where they connived and conceived their foul, abhorrent plot. "Master Developer," one black-robed, pasty-faced henchman devil spoke to the tall, even-blacker-robed guy at the head of the large rectangular table where presumably sat a lot of lit candles and various severed human heads that stared coldly, accusingly at their murderers, who just happened to all be standing before them right this moment. "There is one American gamer out there who dares to go against our dark principles by always standing up for what is right, true, and honorable wherever he journeys in the world of video games. He fancies himself a Knight who protects the innocent, and abhors violence. ... I believe there is something we can do about that."



Above: The black-robed, pasty-faced henchman devil



"He does not know us personally, so he is innocent of the true cause of Evil we uphold, the heinous plans we have to turn all of the waking human world into a living Hell where the innocent suffer to no end and the wicked will happily drink, fornicate, and be merry, ... and host many wild toga parties," Henchman Devil #2 adds in. "... This Knight ... this Protector of Angels ... has never tried to get in the way of our cause; we have no reason whatsoever for despising him and wanting to do him any wrong. ... But we hate him, anyway. I know how we can destroy him, EASILY!!!"

*obligatory loud thunder crash outside to lay emphasis on the word "easily"*

"And what can we do to so 'easily' ruin the life, the heart, the spirit, everything-else-about-his-entire-being of this Protector of Angels and smite forever the principles of goodness and innocence that he has dedicated his life to serving?" Master Developer asks with a throaty cackle.

"... Deceive him into Harvesting a Little Sister!!!" Henchman Devil #1 cries with gusto, eliciting another thunderclap outside so violent and loud that you figure it is Zeus himself single-handedly shoving a thunderbolt up the rear end of an entire parallel universe altogether.

Everyone around stands for many moments in awed silence, wondering how so grandiose a plan can work against the lone Knight of the Northern Longblade who has rescued thousands of princesses from dragons and other great forms of hellish Evil, and saved the lives (and souls, consequently) of thousands more Little Sisters by bravely standing against Big Daddy after Big Daddy and their huge arsenal of gadgets designed to f up entire battalions of men in seconds.

Finally, Master Developer draws in a huge breath in preparation to ask the Big Question. "And how do you propose to 'deceive' the Protector of Angels into committing such a sin, one so clearly and obviously WRONG that even the human beings with their easily-swayed hearts and minds can readily and consciously decide that for themselves?" He says, his anger beginning to build at the seeming dumbassery of Henchman Devil #1.

"... By changing the controls from the previous Bioshock!" Every Henchman Devil present at the dark meeting declare in unison for dramatic effect, giddy with sickening triumph at already knowing that this foul plot is sure to work without a hitch.

Master Developer is so stunned at how easily this plot will succeed that he/it/something-hellishly-inconceivable-to-human-eyes can scarcely believe it. His long face slowly forms a victorious, Snidely-Whiplash grin, and his ruby-red eyes flash. "... Of course ...." MD muses, stroking his chin with one hand, and then stroking his yellow-eyed, totally hairless demon cat languishing on the table with the other hand. "It was so simple all along. We will rush back to HQ immediately and make this last-minute change to the game before releasing it to the public tomorrow. Revert the 'Harvest' option to Y and the 'Rescue' to X without any in-game forewarning whatsoever! He'll never see it coming! He'll be so eager to flaunt how charitable and gentle his heart is by saving the Little Sister that he won't bother to read the controls before choosing the Y button, assuming the controls were just the same as with the prequel! But all he will doing is the most heinous, dishonorable crime a Knight like he could have ever imagined! THIS is how one defeats the legendary Protector of the Pretty Angels for good, tainting his soul with a dreadful blackness that not even the admonishment of the angels of Heaven can hope to cleanse. Ha ha .... ha hah hah .... AH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH ........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*the echo of his evil laughter does not cease to fade into the dark ugly night for many long moments, and the good and pretty female angels of Heaven tremble with fear, suddenly losing the grip on their golden harps and each one falls through the sky, to be lost somewhere in the vast ocean of stars below (you don't even hear the deafening crash of them eventually shattering on any sort of planetary surface)*

The End.

_____________________

... And that, dear children, is the tragic story of how Sarah's Knight, the Protector of Pretty Angels, was slain by Evil without so much as a whimper, vanquished forever, not even to join the pretty female angels who watched over him in his life upon closing his eyes to defeat and death. It was DECEPTION that ended his life - the one, base principle on which Evil ever came to exist in the universe at all.



... Needless to say, I have never felt so awful about anything I have done in a video game (or in real life, in some cases), even if inadvertently, in my life. *sad sigh* What a hopeless and tragic morning it was for me. On August 5, 2010, at approximately 3:00AM, hereafter forever to be known as the true witching hour, a Little Sister fell to SK's unwilling hands, tainting his heart with eternal guilt that every demon from the Abyss is positively thriving on right this moment.

*shakes fist in the general direction of 2K Marin HQ*

"Curse you, Bioshock 2! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ........!!!!!!!!!"

*the echo of SK's voice fades away into the infinite ethers of space, where it is lost in eternal defeat forever*

[Polaris]

Admit it! A small part of you knew what you were doing. Temptation can only be suppressed for so long. If you are truly the honorable man you claim to be, then confess to your moment of weakness in hopes that someday you may be forgiven.

[Killagame]

I knew you could resist the call of evil. I should give MD a reward for carrying out my sole mission in life to make SK fall to evil!

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahaha!!

*obligatory loud thunder crash outside to lay emphasis*

[Sarah's Knight]

Temptation can only be suppressed for so long. If you are truly the honorable man you claim to be, then confess to your moment of weakness in hopes that someday you may be forgiven.

What do you think I had done once I realized what my own hands had caused, however accidental? I must have been kneeling there for hours, cradling the unfortunate Little's Sister's frail, lifeless body in my arms as I wailed in aggrieved shame to the Heavens. I am surprised you could not hear it even from above ocean level.

And, jules, though I may have committed a grievous sin, do not believe that immediately means I have given in to the call of Evil. I shall place my life on the line thousands more times to rescue that many Little Sisters in hopes of one day being able to atone.

[Killagame]

Eh? Jules? You talking about me? o.O?

[Sarah's Knight]

Sorry. Killa. That's who I meant. Oftentimes I have mentally gotten you and Jules confused with each other for some reason. Maybe it's because I see the color pink predominantly in both of your avatars out of the corner of my eye, so I immediately think one name or the other no matter whose avatar it actually is.

[Killagame]

It's fine... I'm sure the little sister's death taken it's toil on your mind

[Polaris]

Originally Posted by Sarah's Knight

Sorry. Killa. That's who I meant. Oftentimes I have mentally gotten you and Jules confused with each other for some reason.

It's because they're both black, isn't it? They all look the same to you, don't they?!